The Best Games To Play For The Queen’s Platinum Jubilee
The Queen of England has been on the throne for 70 years. In Great Britain, we get an extra day off work to celebrate. Cheers, Liz. But not everyone is a fan of her majesty, largely due to the fact that she avoids tax, taxpayers fund her palaces, she has an exemption from race and sex discrimination laws regarding employees, and has absolute power over an entire country just by being born into a specific, obscenely rich family. There’s also the whole ‘massive golden crown and procession through the streets in a golden carriage while the country is having a cost of living crisis, food banks are at their highest use of all time, and millions are living in poverty’ thing, too.
So while some people are out drinking prosecco, eating scones, and waving little union flags, you might want to do something a little bit different. Games are a classic way to escape the real world, so why not use this four-day weekend for a marathon session? If you want to give your gaming weekend that Jubilee flavour, we’ve got you covered.
Just a quick note before we begin: don’t worry. This list won’t just be the full catalogue of games developed by PlatinumGames. While that would be a great joke, we’re a serious website writing serious journalism.
Want to relive the glory days of the British Empire? It seems everyone else does this weekend. Well, Civilisation 6 is your best bet for achieving your dreams of widespread colonialisation and subjugation. You can go for the proper British roleplaying experience and build your armies up to conquer the globe through bloodshed, or you can opt for the revisionist version of the country’s history by diplomatically expanding across the world.
We Happy Few
Even those who love the Queen must get sick of all the union flags and twee little parties, right? It’s like being transported back to wartime Britain, only an idealised version of it that nobody taking part even remembers. There’s a reason none of our grandparents liked talking about the war – it was horrifying, even if you were back in England.
Anyway, We Happy Few takes place in a dystopic ‘60s Britain where everyone takes copious amounts of drugs to forget their city’s grisly past. It’s all fun and games until your Joy wears off, at which point you start having withdrawal symptoms and see the city for the dilapidated shithole it really is. I wonder if that’ll happen all over England come Monday? Or will the collective jubilance over the Queen keep us in a state of blissful ignorance for the weeks to come?
The Elder Scrolls
Nothing says escapism like a good Bethesda RPG. The opening minutes of Oblivion would be perfect to replay this weekend – it seems everyone else at TheGamer’s doing it – as the Emperor is swiftly assassinated in front of your eyes. It’s a bit of a shock, but satisfying if you make some real world parallels.
If you want to take things a step further, you can assassinate the Emperor yourself in Skyrim if you join the Dark Brotherhood. And who doesn’t want to do that? To the Emperor, of course.
Got the taste for killing rulers? While you don’t do it yourself, Dishonored sees two Emperors murdered in one game. Talk about bang for your buck.
This is the last entry where I talk about monarchs dying, I promise. King Raminas is assassinated in Final Fantasy 12, and the eventual fate of Final Fantasy 9’s Queen Brahne isn't much better. After being manipulated by Kuja, the game’s big bad, she unsuccessfully tries to double cross him. Unfortunately, old Kuja summons the king of dragons, Bahamut, who promptly roasts her and her entire navy. I’ll be honest, I’ve only played Final Fantasy 7 (yes, the remake), so thanks to TheGamer’s Evergreen Editor Ryan Bamsey for explaining these to me. I’m tempted to right this gaming wrong of mine, however, because apparently there’s a treat of a death scene on the beach for old Brahne.
No, this isn’t just because the monarchy is a horror (did it really take you this long to work out which side of this particular fence I was sitting on?). The Medium should be on your list because it’s sympathetic towards paedophiles. Remember when Our Majesty closed ranks around alleged nonce Prince Andrew, shielded him from the public, and their generational wealth funded his lengthy court case (and potentially the out of court settlement fee, too). She’s not responsible for her son’s actions, but she is responsible for protecting him. And you wonder why we don’t like these dickheads?
Assassin’s Creed Unity
If there’s a country that knows how to overthrow a monarchy, it’s France. Assassin’s Creed Unity is the perfect entry to the franchise for you republicans, as it’s not only set during the French Revolution, but also gives us the best seat in the house for King Louis’ execution. It’s also, I believe, the only game on this list with a bona fide guillotine.
Age of Empires 2
Okay, I lied at the start of the Final Fantasy entry. Shoutout to Age of Empires 2, and specifically its Regicide mode, which is pretty much exactly what it says on the tin. Kill opponents’ kings to win the game. While I’m less than convinced about the whole ‘protecting your king’ thing, I’ll happily take out as many of my opposing monarchs as I can.
A special mention here goes to Dungeon Keeper 2, in which you must take down all the lords of the land; a most noble task.
On the subject of special mentions, here are some honourable entries that didn’t quite make our queue for this weekend: the gruesome Emperor death scene in Ryse: Son of Rome, King Foltest getting thoroughly murked in The Witcher 2, and Dark Souls 2 which sees you gather up your souls to topple King Vendrick.
Crusader Kings 3
Crusader Kings 3 was described to me as a “monarchy assassination simulator,” so I can think of no better way to celebrate our parasite-in-chief’s great anniversary of ascending to the throne. As well as all the regicide, it’s got incest, political marriages, and lashings of treason; an accurate representation of our royal family and a great choice for the Jubilee weekend. Now, where’s the mod that turns all monarchs into lizard people?
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